Home
Events and signings
Author interview
Table of contents
Chapter 1 text
Glossary and wild theories
How to order

GlossaryAnne, Dexter, and Ovar-achi

    "All men are ugly.  All women are confused.  This is fortunate, since it makes it possible for sex to occur." 
      the Dread Lord Baron's Theory about Sex 
Some readers have inquired about the terminology used in For the Time Being.  In order to increase your understanding and therefore enjoyment of the book, the following glossary of common terms has been provided. 
 
Alien An Earthling science fiction movie.
Blue Hammerston's favorite color.
Captain Military lingo for someone who's supposed to be running things, as in "Captain Kangaroo."
Eldest Non-military lingo for someone who's definitely running things; position may  involve terrorizing younger siblings.
Gravity Solemnity or dignity of manner.
Hairy The state of being hirsute; Hairy aliens generally have two legs and vestigial branches, whereas human aliens tend to have two legs and hair in patches (see Alien).
Human A hairy, ape-like being with no vestigial branches.  You can recognize the humans in this book because, instead of eating termites off a stick, they go to college and leave the planet.
Moon Something big in the sky that does not fall down due to gravity.
Power Something used to make other people do what you want.  May be de facto (actual), ad hoc (just this once), or de jure (you're stuck with it until the Council of Elders reconvenes).
Spaceship Something in the sky that is generally smaller and more maneuverable than a moon; uses power to not fall down instead of gravity.
Time machine Human device for tracking days and sometimes dates; examples include a wristwatch and Big Ben.


More of Baron's Theories

Those who were privileged to know the Dread Lord Baron were fortunate enough to hear his special theories on life, the universe, left-handedness, and everything -- over and over again.  For those of you who are not so fortunate, here are a few theories that you can carry with you throughout the day. 

Did You Ever Hear about How I'm Going to Destroy New York?

    First, you need a lot of truck drivers and a lot of trucks.  Get one of the sides of the Queen Mary. Stand it up on end near Manhattan (like it's still on the Queen Mary).  Attach the trucks all the way up and down this piece of metal. 
          Have all the truck drivers drive forward a little way, then back a little way, in unison.  They keep driving forward and backward, shifting very quickly (notice that these must be highly trained truck drivers).  Because the side of the Queen Mary is very large, waves are created in the air.  Soon the waves become very large due to resonance, blow over all the buildings, and destroy New York.
Why the Dinosaurs Died
    Most dinosaurs were very big, very heavy, and not very maneuverable.  One day a huge windstorm came up, a very large windstorm that lasted for days and covered the entire Earth.  The wind knocked all the dinosaurs over.  Since they were too big to get up again, they all died.  Only the smaller dinosaurs and mammals survived.
Did I Ever Tell You that Someday I'm Going to Eat a Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich in Tycho Crater?
    Yes.


Comments? Order this book Last update: July 2001