Table of Contents

Here's an outline of what you're in for, supplemented with comments from our distinguished panel of Schlomos and Nelks. 

Chapter 1:  Bat Tunnel to Heaven

 "More extraordinary things have happened in life than simply passing German." 
Mapismo Nelk 

"Those who look behind them may walk into solid objects." 
Mapismo Nelk 

 "That man is a fool who says to himself, `Mapismo Nelk.'" 
Mapismo Nelk 

How one enraged dishwasher changed history, or, Why I stopped being a prostitute and turned into the man with the badge, and why Mother was not pleased. 
from The Diary of Agnes Fennimoon Nelk

 "Go ahead, hit me.  I'm open." 
Genghis Kahn 

The desert fox said to the chicken, "Okay, three out of five.  You deal." 
from The Audubon Papers

'Neath the desert's burning flame 
a fox and chicken played a game 
But though the chicken won the tricks 
It was the fox who licked his lips 
And when the sun set on the peak 
It shined on feather, bone, and beak 
from Company Loves Misery by Mapismo Nelk 

All you need is gloves, gloves 
Gloves are all you need 
from Fashion Tips for Surgeons by Dr. Schlomo A. Nelk 

"Gainesville Grunge or Gizzard Rot, it all smells bad to me." 
Mapismo Nelk 

"Isn't it delightful how the removal of one problem opens up breathing room for several more?" 
Mapismo Nelk 

Onion rings for the Elvis kings under the sty. 
Al 

Seek for the sword that was broken 
In Imladris it dwells; 
There shall be counsels taken 
With Gilligan, the Skipper, too. 
J. R. R. Tolkien et Al 

Running like a deer through the shadows, the forest maid splashed through the sunlit fronds, scattering morning dew.  Her breast rose and fell as she tossed her shimmering hair over her shoulder, head tilted, listening. Faintly through the trees, she heard again the pursuit.  The soft yellow buds of the seed-heavy grass brushed her legs as she slipped into the cool, dark green under the pines. There the arrow reached her throat, and her blood poured over the fragrant needles, adding its rank smell to the golden sunlight smells on this glorious day of spring. 
from All is Not Well by Agnes Fennimoon Nelk 

And sometimes you simply crash and burn. 
Paraphrase from Napoleon's Last Stand

When seagulls discuss the ways of the world, they usually leave people out of it.  That is why they will soon go extinct. 
from The Audubon Papers

The chapter in which all the characters die, leaving the reader to ponder the worthlessness of any literary endeavor. 
from I've Had Days Like This by Agnes Fennimoon Nelk 

The next day, the people from the lab woke to find that they were in the hospital.  Baron had lost his head, but immediately began to think of ways to replace it.  Dexter was sitting up in bed, and again in the bed next to that.  Mitch woke up to find he was dead, so he went back to sleep.  All that day it rained urine. 
from The Memoirs of Mapismo Nelk

 "It's usually at the dawn of a new day that most people experience bad breath." 
Dr. Schlomo A. Nelk 

Fungi Farmer Jones is a merry old fellow 
Bright blue his scaly hide, and his teeth are yellow. 
Schlomo R. R. Nelk 

Blue Beasties got nobody 
Blue Beasties got nobody 
Blue Beasties got nobody to love ... 
from Collected Songs and Poems by Mapismo Nelk 

"Illusion is sometimes stronger than fact.  But being armed don't hurt." 
Mapismo Nelk 

Sing a song of Blue beasts, pocket full of sky 
Four and twenty humans baked in a pie ... 
from Collected Songs and Poems by Mapismo Nelk 

 "I cannot be rent by mere time warp." 
Dexter Quisling 
(His decayed remains were never fully recovered.)

"Just because I'm vegetarian doesn't mean I'm not sadistic." 
Agnes Fennimoon Nelk 

"Cover me.  We'll do lunch." 
Napoleon Nelk 

 "If you had gotten nine-to-five jobs like I told you to, you wouldn't be in this situation." 
Mapismo Nelk 

"There are times to run at the mouth, and other times to simply ... run." 
Mapismo Nelk 

Whipped bananas and beans! 
Old Folk Tune 

"Many parts of a Hairy are edible." 
Schlomo Gibbons 

"Is it worth surrendering, now that I've got this arrow in my side?" 
General Schlomo A. Custer 

Happy days are here again 
The skies above are clear again 
We'll wash our wash with Cheer again 
Happy days are here again! 
from Collected Songs and Poems by Mapismo Nelk 

"Then again, it might not." 
Mapismo Nelk's older brother 

"I'm not good enough to be humble." 
Mapismo Nelk 

And the monkey ruefully cheered them on. 
from Observations on Infinity by Mapismo Nelk 

"When dropping through a hole in the space-time continuum, be sure to leave a forwarding address." 
from Time Travel Tips by Dr. Schlomo A. Nelk 

About our panel of experts

Schlomo Nelk, Schlomo A.  Nelk, etc. 

"Schlomo is a common name.  Well, it is!" 
the Dread Lord Baron 

Cousin to the famous "Kilroy was Here," Mapismo Nelk became immortalized through the legacy of sage expressions he had written inside half the men's room stalls at Southwest Tech.  His wisdom has been carefully preserved ever since, mostly because removing the plethora of quotations he so liberally sprinkled would require the bathrooms to be, for the first time since their construction, thoroughly cleaned.